Women Wellness Spring |
Women Wellness Spring |
Susan asked her friend John: Did you know that the first programmer in history was a woman? John replied: No wonder women were the most difficult creatures to understand. Susan nodded and smiled. John said: I quite can't understand you. You knew Peter (husband of Susan) was womanizing, and why do you expect he would change after marriage? He kept dating numerous women and had an affair with your best friend. You loved him with no bottom line to forgive his betrayal instead. But when he turned to love you deeply and begged you to stay with him, you strictly rejected and left. Susan expected her husband would change for her, but it did not happen. She had expected she could change for him, but it also did not happen either.
What she expected never happened. Maybe the reality is never expected to change others. You can’t and will never succeed. Therefore, you should be honest with yourself; And allow your husband to be honest with himself. Always remember you always have the choice. Unless you’re in prison, you don’t have to do anything. You choose to do things. Like what we do for the laundry. Do you like to do the laundry? No. Is anyone forcing you to do the laundry? No. Doing the laundry is a choice you make because you value being clean. You do the laundry for your family members because you love them. When you see all the options you have, you can appreciate the choices you make. You can already guess the point is to make appropriate trade-offs by optimizing your choice. Honest to yourself. Take responsibility for the choices you have made. And then, you realize that the reality is not as bad as you think Or as good as you expect. Accept what clashes, clashes. What flows, flows. Never border yourself to urge the other person to do the right thing. It is ok to be not ok As long as the (bad) feeling does not last forever Lighten your expectations. Turn your expectations into appreciation.
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If I ask you and you are willing to tell me. That means trust. If I don't ask you and you don't tell me anything. That means distance. If I ask you and you decide not to tell me anything. That means we have a gap between us. If I don't ask you and you still want to tell. That means reliance. Ever wonder if the relationship is about communication? You are always right. At least, you think so. When you believe your husband is wrong, you push harder, throw out tantrums, you shout. He responds with even more resistance, triggering his defensive mode and shutting you out. Our certainty of rightness is what makes heated arguments heated. As a result, he may conclude it is not worth talking to you since he never knows when a topic will lead to a controversy. You win all the battles and lose the metaphorical war. Is there anything to gain from letting yourself become adversarial with your loved one due to the miscommunication? 1. Mind Your EmotionsToddlers have tantrums. Adults should solve problems. Ever wonder if your negative emotion is demonstrating your fear? The fear of being unheard. The fear that you’re not good enough. The fear that this might be the last chance to make everything perfect. Your frustration becomes complaints; grudges become insulting words; helplessness becomes sarcastic. 2. Mind Your WordsAlways remember that critical words cut people deeply. If you must say something negative, always be constructive. Make your criticism reflect your love and respect, not disappointment. When we use common words such as stupid, they carry a range of meanings from ill-considered to ignorant. The differences in expression of reframing words can be like this: You are a jerk. or to say: I can’t quite understand your behavior. You don’t care about me or to say: You don’t care about the same thing as me. You are an idiot or to say: You haven’t met my expectations. You are relying on me or to say: You want me to pay more attention to you. You have no way to make it or to say: You haven’t got an effective way yet. You are hopeless. or to say: You worked very hard and have just not reached success yet. You do it wrong. or to say: I realize you have room for improvement. Do you want to quit? or to say: You feel tired after holding on for so long. Your outfit is ugly. or to say: This outfit is not my style. 3. Mind Your Body LanguagesBody language is more impactful than words. People receive 30% of what you say and 70% of how you say it. Your facial expression, gesture, and voice tone won’t tell lies. Sad faces generated sad faces, and smiling faces evoked smiles and happiness. Bring the sunshine to your lover with your smiles. You are delivering a pleasant message to him that everything will be ok. 4. The Tactics of Yes-No-YesYes => Acknowledge his positive intent. No => Make clear your bottom line without judging against anyone. Yes => Make a win-win suggestion or promise. Ever wonder if our communication is hampered by "No-No-No". Let's see an example as follows: Susan was frustrated to find her husband was obsessed with playing video games inside the room whereas she was busy doing chores. Susan: You’re doing nothing all day long as if this family is none of your business. I am busy with chores and children. How about you? Playing video games is your full-time job! (No) That’s all. I can take no more. (No) The worst decision that I ever made was marrying you. (No) What if Susan change the communication approach from "No-No-No " to "Yes-No-Yes " Yes => I know you want to relax after a whole week of hard work (Acknowledge his positive intent). N0 => The busy chores and the kid stuff drive me crazy. I desperately need to rest for a while. (make clear her bottom line) Yes => What do you think we sit down to figure out what is the best way to manage the chore together? (make suggestion) 5. Pause Before ActTalking is easy, but we spend our lifetime learning how to listen. I am not trying to underestimate the ability of your husband to trigger your hot button. The thing is, never try to back-talk immediately. Pause before responding to verbal stimulus. We are well aware heated arguments won't make things better. More tips on resolve the problems related to expectation error, money issue and perspective conflicts.
Money is always the main issue that can trigger negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, fear, agitation, disappointment, and self-blame. Financial struggles can hurt a couple's relationship as people often associate their self-worth, happiness, and success with money. What is your family money story? What is your financial habit? Rule #1. Always More than EnoughIs your financial status more than enough to support your basic living expenses? If you are not, you would have a hard time quarreling with your spouse on the money issue all the time, and will eventually spoil the relationship. Always remember, you are the only person to take full responsibility for your financial security and not rely on others, not even on your husband. What if you encounter a sudden financial downturn, such as facing business failure, getting fired, or suffering a devastating investment loss? Rule #2. Positive Intent vs. FearI remember when I was fired, jobless, with nothing to do at home, and extremely bored. It was not funny to feel stuck up, drifting nowhere. A mixture of devastating feelings never short of anxiety, stress, fear, depression, and self-doubt. What did I fear? I fear there would be no company to offer me a job anymore I fear age discrimination I fear my bank account might dry out I worry being unemployed for too long would make it difficult to re-enter the job market. My fear caused me to make a poor decision. I speculated on the stock market for quick money. No doubt it was a bad idea. Gambling out of fear and greed would never solve the money problem. During that period, I lost plenty of money. I was greedy and feared losing money. My poverty mentality made me regret every decision to buy and sell the stock at the wrong price. When I gained less, I felt upset (due to greediness) When I suffered loss, I was angry (due to self-blame) As a result, negative emotions ensue whatever outcome from the speculation on the stock market. However, how unlikely I could always pick the perfect stock, buy at the bottom cost, sell at the ceiling price, and optimize the profit. And then, I realized that what goes around will come around. Desperation would attract desperation to spiral down. If you start up your own business due to the fear of being fired by someone else in a poor economic condition, you are doomed to failure. Success derives from positive intent. Always remember money flows with joy. Relax, keep calm with the mantra: Everything that happened was just right because I was where I should be. Transform the perspective from poverty mentality to abundance mentality. What is the difference between an abundance mentality and a poverty mentality? Poverty thinking:
Abundance thinking:
You know what? Inspiration attracts inspiration to spiral up. And miracles start to happen. I finally successfully got employed with a decent salary in a corporate. Rule #3. Money Concepta) Earn Money I was underpaid at my previous job, and when I ran my own business, I struggled to make a profit due to low pricing. One day, my friend asked me what did I think about money? What pops up in my mind is something like:
Traditional schooling rarely taught me financial education. What if changing my perspective towards money to enhance my earning power? The starting point is to re-program our concept about money with the mantra like: I earn a lot of money by creating value for others I deserve to own a lot of money. Money flows with joy. b) Save Money Always remember saving is a good financial habit. You won’t panic if you keep a certain amount of money as a safety net to secure the cash flow in case of an emergency or unexpected job loss. How much savings in the bank is enough? Have you ever confused the desire for fullness with the feeling of enough? Saving money is good. Enough is okay. Money is energy. Let it flow and move. c) Spend Money Whenever I tried to de-clutter my house, I was surprised that I had bought so many useless things I didn't need. Is it because online shopping has never been easier than the one-click shopping universe? Advertisers, marketers, and the media make us believe that buying expensive products is a way to uplift our status and taste. Social media can make us feel like we are not obtaining enough when we compare ourselves to the seemingly perfect lives of our peers. How to avoid overspending?
d) Grow Money No doubt we are pleasure seekers. We get hooked on the pleasure that comes from caffeine, tobacco, entertainment, or premium stuff. Pleasure is short-term, addictive, and selfish. It works on dopamine. When the debt is easier than ever to go into, why even consider sacrificing the pleasure for the long-haul benefits? Does the long haul will take care of itself? It doesn’t. We have to define our context to prioritize our spending that can work for the money growth. Do you spend the money on the stuff that can grow your assets or pay for the liability? Buying a house is building your asset Paying the monthly rental is a liability. Investing in a training course to acquire a valuable skill is an asset-building activity. Buying an expensive Hermes bag to feel secure is a liability. e) Share Money Please don’t get me wrong to regard sharing money as merely donations. Let it flow to create value that could benefit yourself and others. More tips on resolve the problems related to expectation error, communication issue and
perspective conflicts. Joy of Marriage. Tips to Resolve Conflicts In A Relationship (Difference between Men and Women)5/10/2024 For a man, what is the hardest thing for him to say? I'm sorry, I'm wrong. The hardest thing is not admitting you are wrong but apologizing without reason. Man, if you have learned to apologize for no reason, you are ready to get married. The woman expects her husband to apologize after a fight to show that he cares more about her than the issue itself. Men and women are beautifully different but made for each other, just like the beauty where water and rocks come together. How can the Earth and Mars get along with each other? 1. Feminine TendernessEver wonder if toughness is a praising word for women? The name of the game is: I don’t need you. She wants to conquer men, conquer the business, and conquer everything because she plays to win. When she took the lead in the business battle to win the deal, she was so good at maneuvering the tactics and strategy far better than what you can read in the war book. However, she was frustrated to realize she still needed a man. In fact, she didn’t mean to upset anyone. She stands for her point with confidence. In return, she expects her partner to agree with her idea and the support she had from him. She has no idea she carries the bossy role at home until her husband asks her three questions:
However, men yearn for women to love them tender from our feminine nature. They might recall the tender feeling from the memories with their moms and sisters. My friend told me his wife was tough, and he doubted whether he had married a man, not a woman. 2. Same Expression for Different MeaningA woman can’t stop yapping about this and that. She is loud. Maybe she is angry. She is ok because she merely vents her negative emotions. However, when she goes silent, she is not ok. She is upset with negative emotions. When a man feels unpleasant, he can't keep his mouth shut. He is in the fighting mode, or he may want to beat someone. When he goes silent, he is ok. He is just thinking. When your wife goes silent, apologize to her. When she is non-stop blah blah blah, let her talk. When your husband goes silent, never force him to talk. When he refuses to shut up, hug him. 3. Emotional needsWomen tend to have much stronger emotions, imaginations, and feelings than men. They love to share their stories and express their thoughts and feelings by talking through them. Men, generally speaking, tend to be naturally wired to problem-solving when their partners want something simple. When he finds no problem requiring him to fix, he has no idea how to relate the issue and tries to escape instead. Therefore,
4. PraiseGuys need praise as much as you do. Make your compliments to be clear and specific. The verbal praise that a man would love to hear is not something related to his masculine body. Tell him if you think he is a helpful partner to do the chores or tell him he is a caring father to play with the kids. The praises make him feel grateful. He would work even harder to prove he deserves your kind words. 5. Hero in publicIt's important to understand that many men crave respect and recognition from others. Men often assert themselves and like to showcase their abilities to stand out. Never expose his mistakes or point out what he did wrong in public, as this can damage his self-esteem and make him feel foolish. 6. FreedomMen desire freedom and space.
They tend to spend their time in work, toys, sports, or hanging out with other guys. While men desire more freedom, their partners would appeal to connection and love. What can you do about this? Never try to exert pressure, coercion, or influence upon a man. He chooses to do the right thing for him. If you take a decision away from a man by being a pursuer, he will resent you, lose attraction to and escape from you. A magnetic attraction of a woman is her ability to make a man feel he can leave at any time, and he chooses to stay and commit. Which is the hardest for you to say?
I love you. The hard part is not to say it but to prove it. Three simple words: "I love you." It takes three seconds to say, three minutes to explain, and a lifetime to prove. The fantasy of marriage is finding a perfect soulmate you are willing to spend a lifetime of romance is what it's all about. Someone who will be there for you through any circumstance, whom you can trust completely and feel safe with. Someone who considers you to be the only beloved person in his life. Susan is searching for a long-term relationship and wants to marry a good man and raise the kids to live a happy life. She is frustrated when she finds out her husband betrayed her even though she had done everything to make everyone happy. Amy has rapidly climbed the corporate ladder and has a loving spouse and adorable children, yet she is still unhappy. Jenny is uncertain if it is fair to sacrifice her promising career for her marriage. Someone once sarcastically asked her if a woman can be half pregnant. She wonders if it is possible to be a great wife and still achieve a successful career. How about you? Marriage is like riding a roller coaster. There are highs and lows, and in between, you will grow. What will you do with your spouse when confront challenges from financial breakdown, miscommunication, emotions, and expectation differences? One day, Susan was frustrated to complete her work and desperately asked me for help. Peter: please help me otherwise I will lose my job. Me: It may be good for you to consider changing your job. Peter is angry to regard me as selfish and cold-heart. People often describe me as an introvert. I love to spend time alone, speak little, and work at my own pace. Very often, I appear in slow action because taking action is my weakness because I try to rationalize every decision instead of executing it. Isolation and low-profile manner make me hard to team up with people to do the work. Too much reliance on self-effort will slow down the working progress to leap forward. Studying the enneagram helped me understand my worldview and motivation. What do I want? I want more and get used to deep thinking and learning. The drive is greediness by reserving as much as possible. While many people buy luxury stuff based on spontaneous desire, I will take time to think about the justification of the value as if I am a penny pincher. It is quite a big deal for me as I will consider if I pay for this luxury, the money in my wallet will become less. I regard the world as operated by finite resources in scarcity as if playing a zero-sum game. Consumption means loss. I adopt the scarcity model of pizza. I won't have much left if you take a slice of it. It is not easy for me to get along with my boss. I hate to work on a tight schedule. When my boss criticizes me for not working hard enough, I will focus on improving the system. What is the hard part of confining my happiness? How can I achieve a breakthrough? Infinite of abundance vs Finite of Scarcity Learn to get over the feeling of finite scarcity of resources due to the scaring of shortage. Open my eyes and my guts to the wondrous smorgasbord of life. Believe that I am prosperous to receive and enjoy the abundance of: Health Relationship Time Knowledge Comfort Beauty Wealth Scaring for the shortage is merely a feeling or an opinion. When I feel the abundance, I will no longer keep checking the gain and loss on the balance sheet. I would get used to creating more value for realizing my abundance by breaking through my self-limiting beliefs. Like eating a buffet to find an abundance of food available. No rush to get my share. I know I can fill up my plate as much as I want. I won’t mind the one next to me taking the food I like because there is plenty and the food will re-fill. How about you? What is your worldview or core beliefs? What do you want to focus on others that provoke conflicts? What is your drive for acting the way you do? How do you act around someone you do not like? Judging/dismissive/indifferent What is the core drive of your emotions? Fear/anger/jealous How does your emotion affect the way you treat others? Confrontation/Power over/Pathetic/pushover What are your expectations of others? What are your expectations of yourself? What is the one particular lesson you shall learn to reverse the repeated tendency? Explore your personality on enneagram
The answer is, to be honest with yourself. It sounds simple but not easy.
Someone asked you to change your cooking menu, and you accepted. Your friend begged you to drive her to the supermarket even if you were busy, and you did so. Someone asked you to follow his way, and you agreed. You hated to say yes, but you settled because of Convenience; Stop the conflicts or disputes; Avoid the troubles; Fear of authority; Fear of someone unhappy. When you decide to settle, you regard yourself as a victim, as if you are in prison with no choice. You feel upset because you are not proud of yourself for what you have done. Unless you’re in prison, you don’t have to do anything. You choose to do things. Let's use what we do for our laundry as an example: Do you like to do the laundry? No. Is anyone forcing you to do the laundry? No. Doing the laundry is a choice you make because you value being clean. You do the laundry for your family members because you love them. When you see all the options you have, you can appreciate the choices you make. You can already guess the point is to make appropriate trade-offs by optimizing your choice. Honest to yourself. Take responsibility for your choice, and you will feel good about yourself. What did I look like when I was twenty years old? I was a young, beautiful lady but vulnerable to emotions affecting inter-relationships with others and hindering me from moving forward on my career path or getting along with others. I was not okay when someone took advantage of me, hurt me, or bullied me. Fighting and wrestling to react and the negative energy lasted long inside me. It was always brutal, final, and unproductive. I could hardly feel the happiness deep down in my heart. 1. JealousyI was jealous of others because I liked to compare myself with someone else: when my sister caught more attention than me; when my boss treated my colleagues better than me; when my friend appeared more beautiful than me; when my friends lived in a bigger house than me. My question: Why can you always get something better than me? The wrong answer: I’m not good enough. I would advise my 20-year-old self: You are jealous because you always like to compare yourself with someone else. You are a combination of strengths and limitations, like everybody else. You don’t need to do ground-breaking things to live a happy life. You don’t need to be the person to land on the moon. You don’t need to be the person to do anything. The truth is no one can win over everyone all the time. Just like a running horse, some of the time it can run very fast, some other times it would run slower. All in all, there is no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time. Why if the alternate answer is: I am grateful and accept who I am and who I am not. I love myself and am satisfied with myself. 2. AngryI felt angry when my friends betrayed me, my lover abandoned me, someone hurt me out of selfishness, someone rejected me, I got fired without good reason. My question: How could I fail? The wrong answer: I won’t. I would advise my 20-year-old self: You forced your desires on what happened around you as if the world should operate according to your roadmap. When something did happen out of your expectation, you felt anger, sorrow, and self-blame. However, all lives would come to an end; All profitable fast-growing stocks would drop their price; All great machines would fail in some way. Rejecting to accept failure only made the failure more painful. You could not change anything for whatever happened yesterday. You might disagree with assumptions that led to the feelings of others that ultimately hurt you. You felt this way was not the same as others who experienced what you experienced would feel the same way. Why if the alternate answer is: I am where I should be I learned to understand that all that happens is right. Let it be and let it go. Keep calm with serenity. Inner peace is more important than justification. 3. GreedyI used to play the zero-sum game as if adopting a scarcity model for pizza. If I shared it with you, I would have less. My self-limiting beliefs made me fear someone would take away what should belong to me. My question: How much is remaining for me?? The wrong answer: Share means lost. What if the alternate answer is: I deserve abundance and have plenty. I am grateful for what I own now and what I may get tomorrow. 4. PrideI used to enjoy gossiping, judging, complaining, and condemning others. It was easy to criticize them.
What is the right thing to do? Wrong answer: I know all the answers. Advice: I can be all wrong The stupid fools are arrogant to presume they know all the answers. They are preoccupied with a spirit of criticism to focus on weakness, wanting to be always right thus they have been less wrong. An intelligent person is humble and wants to learn from everyone, embracing the spirit of approval to focus on strengths. Empower others to feel good. Stay hungry, stay foolish. They can encounter opposing opinions and still function. In your opinion, which is the hardest thing to do?
Thales of Miletus, a Greek philosopher, said, “The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.” Well, yes, it is so true that fish are the last to discover water. Who am I? Most individuals define their worth based on external labels assigned to their position or role, fully immersing themselves in it. Have you ever got the feeling resonate with the song “I’ve Been to Paradise, I’ve Never Been to Me”? Do you know yourself? Avoid jumping into a statement, ask questions instead. When a question posed, it acts as a catalyst for our brain to trigger a mental reflex with new insights for answers.
Always remember, I am not a static entity. I am a dynamic, infinite creative process. The process aims to express beauty by exuding confidence, strength, resilience, abundance, and love. All adventures, experiences, and challenges that are creating and shaping me. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. It is up to you to choose. Be yourself. Love yourself London, Palace and River Thames Good morning, London! I like to enjoy a full English breakfast to uplift my energy to start my day. Full breakfast should include bacon, sausages, mushrooms, tomatoes, beans, black pudding, large eggs, and a few slices of bread. Oops! It looks a bit heavy. If you want to explore the city, start your trip from Westminster's underground exit and walk towards Big Ben while enjoying the beautiful Westminster Palace. As you reach Parliament Square, you might see numerous protesters holding banners and proclaiming their grievances. Don't forget to catch the changing of the Guards at Buckingham Palace by late morning. If the weather is good, you can rent a bike and ride around Hyde Park. The Tower of London is within walking distance of London Bridge. It is a popular tourist attraction known for its crown jewels and legendary tales. The River Thames adds to the beauty of the place, especially when seagulls fly overhead. Drinking at any time of the day is acceptable in London. However, it's not uncommon to come across people who have had too much to drink and are stumbling along the Thames River without being aware of their surroundings. Underground and Old Tube Traveling by bus is a great way to see more of the city, but it can be rather annoying due to traffic congestion. On the other hand, taking the underground is very convenient, and the old tube stations like St. James Park or King Cross are spectacular because of their Industrial Revolution engineering design. Have you heard the touching story about the London Underground's public voiceover messages? Years ago, the voiceovers were recorded by several artists, including Oswald Laurence, who was an actor in the 1960s. After Oswald passed away in 2001, his widow, Mrs. Laurence, used to go to the station every day to hear her beloved husband's voice again. The station was the last place where it was possible to remind his voice. Chawton House, footprints of Jane Austen If you are a fan of Jane Austen, you would like to visit Chawton House in Hampshire. Jane Austen lived in Chawton to produce my beloved classic fiction of all times: Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. I don’t know much about 19th-century England, but it must be hard for a female to rebel against the social repression and code of hierarchy in pursuit of true love and romance. Strong female characters, costume drama, artificial social conventions, and family obligations abound in Jane’s stories. A woman in love is beautiful. You’re lucky if you find someone who would care about you more than anything. He would allow you to act ridiculous, caprice, naïve, and silliness like a child. You don’t need to hide from who you are because you know he won’t laugh at you, judge you, and betray you. Wordsworth House, daffodils dancing William Wordsworth, an English Romantic poet from the 18th century, was enchanted by the beauty of nature. He believed that the scenery and landscapes of nature were the perfect inspiration for creative minds and purity of soul. I would love to visit Wordsworth House in Cockermouth, Cumberland, to follow in his footsteps and see if the golden daffodils he wrote about are still growing beside the lake, beneath the trees, "fluttering and dancing in the breeze" and "tossing their heads in sprightly dance". I wonder if the daffodils are as beautiful as described in Wordsworth's poetry. I'd love to take a closer look, and I'm sure you would, too. Bibury Cottages, pictureques landscape William Morris, a famous artist and writer from the late 19th century, once described Bibury as the most beautiful village in England. It is convenient to take the National Express from London to Cirencester and then catch a taxi directly to Bibury. Once you arrive, you'll never be short of amazing things to see, like the famous Arlington Row. The site is a beautiful row of stone cottages surrounded by lakes, flowers, and scenic views. And the fresh aromas from nature uplift our subconscious mind that the good things are always with us. Whiskey and Beer If you're a wine lover, you probably like to join Scotland's distilleries single malt whiskey tour. The Macallan's 30-year-old single malt whiskey is worth trying, especially since it was Sherry Oat Cask Mellowed and received a score of 95 from Michael Jackson (an alcohol expert who passed away in 2007). If you enjoy whiskey, you might also like beer. Harvest Sun (white beer) and Midnight Sun (dark beer) are delicious options. Innis & Gunn beer stands out due to its aromas of vanilla and toffee, hints of citrus, and light oak flavor. Brigg umbrellas, for gentlemen and ladies The Royal Brigg umbrella represents British craftsmanship, with a rich history dating back to 1836. The brand has supplied umbrellas to members of royal families, prime ministers, and individuals. The umbrella is manually operated and does not have an automatic open feature. The canopy is available in two materials: nylon or traditional luxurious silk. The umbrella also features a unique shaft and frame. Some people may think British products are rarely fashionable as the product itself remains unchanged for years, but their products are the most durable that you can use for life. Timeless is beautiful. Yardley Soap, England lavender I love the scent of lavender. Pleasant fragrances can bring us happiness and awaken our senses and minds. A company, namely Yardley, has been producing soap and perfumes since 1770. It is famous for producing a signature scent called English Lavender. While I couldn't tell the difference between English and French lavender, the product has received a reputable Royal warrant. Yardley used the finest species of Lavandula angustifolia to make the oil, unlike other producers who used lavender leaves to create spike oil. |
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May 2024
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